I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
You Might Also Like
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.