“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
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I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
You are not alone 💚
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day