I’m being attacked 😭
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Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while