It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
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the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
thank god
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.