I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
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Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”