[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
饾槢饾槱饾槩饾樀 judge.
Client: What鈥檚 wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
You Might Also Like
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it鈥檚 a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 馃様
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Unless you鈥檙e a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I鈥檓 not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
so I鈥檓 driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it鈥檚 pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now