I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
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me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
guilty
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.