just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
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Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific