Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
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Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.