Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
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Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
hi why am I like this
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Ironic
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Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.