Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it đ
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My neck, my back, my…
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, itâs a step by step guide.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Running from your problems is cardio .
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Partner: Itâs either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick uâŚ
Partner: I knew you lovâŚ
Me: âŚnited airlines
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
If your partner keeps saying âwe need to refine our packagesâ on their zoom youâre left with no option but to text âIâll refine your packageâ causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: Iâll tell you when youâre older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I be like âI gotta drink more waterâ then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if youâre secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you donât own? Are you absolutely sure you didnât accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.