Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
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In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
🤣
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.