me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
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Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around