Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
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Why soy sad?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Put this video in the Louvre
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”