Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
We all have our pet causes.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.