The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?