My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
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I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Happy Star Wars day!
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.