My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
You Might Also Like
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…