I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
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My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Support your local cemetery
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
accurate
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and