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DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I鈥橫 NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You鈥檙e not going to believe this…
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.