Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
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I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
this is the greatest thing ever
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.