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Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves