just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
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My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.