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Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’