Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
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I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits