Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
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I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY