Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
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To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
what could possibly go wrong?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”