I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
live long and prosper!
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that