[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
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[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.