The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
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I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.