The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!馃槀馃槶馃槶
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When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn鈥檛 baked in the middle
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
When I鈥檓 mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it鈥檇 still be 3 pages long.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it鈥檚 because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: Your wifi isn鈥檛 working
Dad: Well, it鈥檚 right next to you!
Me: Yes it鈥檚 obviously something I鈥檓 doing wrong. I鈥檒l wifi harder
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.