With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
You Might Also Like
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!