True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
wishing you and yours all the best
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Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.