I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Moms. The original autocorrect.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”