it must be school picture day
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People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
normalize having existential bread
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.