@Shariv67

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

@Shariv67

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

@Shariv67

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

@Shariv67

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

@Shariv67

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

@Shariv67

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

@Shariv67

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

@Shariv67

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

@Shariv67

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”