Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
You Might Also Like
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*