Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
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Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir