People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
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[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there