Become ungovernable.
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Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.