[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
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I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
incredible book dedication
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?