We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
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I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Google assistant rules
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name