doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
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*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Erm I’m gonna say no
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks