What do you call a really small strawberry? 馃崜
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
That鈥檚 easy for you to say
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[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
the composer
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
On a girl鈥檚 vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I think I鈥檓 going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend鈥檚 house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*