“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
You Might Also Like
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
then why did i get this email
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much