Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Grandpa
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy