Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
It’s important that you tell your children your story.
“No sweetheart, Daddy was never in a war. But here’s a picture of me screaming at a seagull in 1993.”
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider: