Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Teaching first graders is wild. You can tell them you’re 18 or 110 when they ask your age, and either way, they believe you.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
genuinely nothing worse than going bowling with people who are actually good. like why are you doing all that
I used to think decapitated meant someone lost their cap.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson: