Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
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“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.