You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Best mom ever 😂
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I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
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11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.