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I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
I bet birds love this building.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.