♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
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I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Okay me first
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
New tinder profile pic
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”